Author: Josef
Series: Stand Alone
Genre: Autobiography
Publisher: Fontaine Publishing Group
Release Date: June 7 2015
Edition/Formats: eBook
Blurb/Synopsis:
Fifty Shades of Truth is the true story of a man who, for over sixty
years, led a double life.
Josef was a husband, a businessman, a friend, but he was
also a man hopelessly addicted to sex and all things sexual in nature. Stemming
from an assignment his therapist gave him, this book explores the many aspects
of sex that are hidden and looked-down upon. Josef's life was a rollercoaster,
littered with massage parlors, mistresses, transsexuals and gay
encounters. The things that happened to
Josef, most people would find horrifying, twisted, or at least strange. But
Josef loved every bit of it. Loved it so much that he continued lying to his
wife and everyone he knew for 60 years.
Parts of Josef's story are very confronting, but Fifty
Shades of Truth is a wonderfully entertaining, sometimes humorous, sometimes
shocking, sometimes challenging, but always entertaining account of this man's
life. Many other men can only fantasize
about some of the things he has experienced.
… a dark journey into the Light
It was a slow movement, and she paused at times to moisten
her tongue, making sure she wet my face with her saliva. “You belong to me, slave. All of you belongs to me.” She moved behind me and whispered in my ear,
“I want your soul.”
When she whispered those words, I suddenly felt fear flood
my body at the realization of my position.
Where was my soul in all of this?
I was raised a strict Catholic, but from the age of five I rejected the
absurd teachings of the church. I
stopped going to church as soon as I was old enough to say “no” at about
sixteen years of age, but that did not mean I didn’t believe in a greater
intelligence behind life. At five years
old I was already looking for the true meaning and purpose of my life, and as I
grew older I spent a great deal of time searching, reading books, and
practicing all kinds of meditation in pursuit of this. That search has never stopped, and has always
been a focal point of any decisions I make about my life. So how the fuck did I find myself here? My heart was pounding and a wave of panic
rose in me. Was I turning my back on my
soul?
The concerns about the wellbeing of my soul were interrupted
by the sound of Mistress Serena’s voice.
This distraction was enough for the urges that brought me here to rise
above my fears and quell them. Gently
but forcibly, my fears for my soul were slowly smothered beneath an avalanche
of desire, as the sound of her voice flowed into me like a soothing balm.
“I have many ways to brand you as my property, slave,” she
laughed. I figured she was just talking
about the face painting she had given me with her tongue. This was starting to get rough and wild, but
I wasn’t about to stop her. I wanted to
see where this would go now. The crazy
thoughts going through my mind were still making me smile slightly, and I still
couldn’t take it seriously.
“Do you still think this is funny, slave?’ she demanded in a
rising voice.
“No, Mistress,” I mumbled. The blood was pounding in my ears
and I could feel the heat in my face from her blows. I worked the smile off my face and tried to
play the game. I was keeping my eyes
averted but directed my gaze close enough to catch peripheral glimpses of her
face. A look of contempt was etched into
her features, her sneering upper lip indicating a total disdain for me. It hit a nerve that I loved, and it is impossible
to describe the deep sense of gratification I felt. My body ached as though it wished to turn
itself inside out, such was the feeling I had to give myself to this. I wanted to bare myself completely. I had stopped worrying about my soul.
“I think you need a lesson, slave. You come to me drunk and think this is a
joke. Do you think this is a joke?”
“No Mistress.”
“No, it’s not!” she screamed, and slapped me across the face
again, though not as hard as before. She
laughed. “You remember the safe word,
don’t you, slave?”
“Yes, mistress.”
“Good,” she said, laughing softly. She slapped me back and forth a few more
times, as I sat there helplessly, with no way to defend myself from her
blows. She spat in my face again when
she was done. I sat there, slumped in
the chair, beaten into submission, and said nothing. Looking down at my cock, laying soft against
my thigh, I was surprised that I still didn’t have an erection. Over time I would come to understand the
nature of my desires very well, and an erection wasn’t at all necessary for my
enjoyment and satisfaction.
“Yes, I think you need to be reminded of who you are,
slave.” She turned to the shelf behind
her, and picked up one of the burning candles.
“I am going to brand you properly,” she added, with a laugh
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Thank you for joining
us today. I hope we haven’t interrupted your busy schedule too much.
Not at all. I’m always more than happy to engage with
people and talk about Fifty Shades of Truth.
Can you tell us how
you came to be an author? Has it been an easy or difficult journey?
FSOT is my first book, and was a therapeutic exercise from
my therapist, so I was in some way propelled into the world of writing. Actually
publishing it was an additional idea. I’m not sure if it was a good one.
I may publish other books and I’ve actually begun work on 2 more.
It has not been an easy journey in any way. Given the nature of the
book it was incredibly difficult to write, but it has been a wonderful part of
the healing process. I could only write the book by re-living the
experiences. That was hard because it bought up all the old urges and
desires I was trying to control, and I almost lost control a few times.
Writing about my infidelities was the hardest part though. I carry
a deep pain about that, and am resigned to perhaps living with it the rest of
my life.
What motivates you as
an author?
I feel that the world lives in a lot of pain, and the pain
comes in many forms. Fear, confusion, religion, shame, guilt and much
more. I’d like to write about some issues that might help people with
that. Fear is the greatest underlying factor in everyone’s lives, whether
they see that or not, and there is no need for it to rule and dominate our
lives the way it does.
How do you deal with
rejection and setbacks as an author?
I sob quietly in the corner for a few days. LOL Not really,
but when you write something and put it out there you put yourself in the
firing line. It can be very difficult when you get reviews that not only
trash your book, but also trash your life. It’s very personal which can
make it very hard. In the end I take strength from the fact that I wrote
a book about my life, and it’s been the kind of life a lot of people don’t
survive through. People judging me through my book do so through fear.
The fear people live with is one of the biggest points I make in the
book.
How do you deal with
writer’s block?
I spend some time in the garden to relax but if nothing is
working I just write. Even if I don’t like what I write, it gets the
process going. I can always come back and edit, or delete the whole
thing, but often find at least some that I can keep.
Do you have any
motivational books or websites which you find useful from time to time?
Hmmm, not really although I find http://www.thesaurus.com useful at times.
Who has been the
biggest influence upon your writing?
I don’t know if any person has necessarily been an influence
as such. I was a voracious reader growing up and devoured our home
library. I always enjoyed Robert A Heinlein’s books, particularly
Stranger In A Strange Land.
Tell us about a
typical day for you. Do you have any special routines which you strictly keep
to?
I work from home so I start my day pretty relaxed. I
get up at my leisure, meaning I don’t have to set an alarm. Usually about
7am. I meditate for 30 minutes before breakfast, then take a walk in the
garden with a cup of coffee. At that point routine stops. Most days
I find some time to sit and write, but the day will involve a mix of writing,
gardening, exercise and maybe shopping.
How have family and
friends reacted to you as an author? Are they supportive?
Because of the nature of FSOT not many people know I am an
author. Obviously my therapist knows. Beyond her, I knew I would
not be able to truly let go of my past until I could at least tell a close
friend. I’ve now told 2 girlfriends (friends who are girls) whom have known me
for 30 years, my best friend of 40 years, a work colleague of 20 years, and my
young sister of 48 years. I’ve remarried and also told my wife of 1 year.
She is amazing! They all are. I’ve trusted these people with
my life and I have no doubt my trust is well placed. Without exception
each one of them loves me more for knowing what I’ve been through. My
network of healing is complete and I am blessed by that.
Going forwards as an
author, what do you realistically hope to accomplish?
I would hope to open people’s eyes to the fear they live in.
I’m not sure how this will unfold but if something I write can stop one
person from killing themselves I’ll be happy.
With this book being an Autobiography
the Synopsis and Author Bio are the same.
Note from the Author
This
is the story of my life. It has not been
fabricated, exaggerated, or embellished in any way. It's the raw truth and I'm not really sure
why I'm writing it, but my therapist thinks it's a good idea, and I can
understand her reasoning about that.
Writing down my life's story might simply be a part of the healing
process, so I can finally move on with my life and live it like a normal
person. All my life I've wished for
nothing more than to just be normal, as I've looked around and envied other
people's untroubled lives. At least that
is how they appear on the surface. We
can all be quite certain that most people harbor some secrets in their
lives. Those secrets might be just some
small things they regret, or feel ashamed about. I wish people did not need to have secrets,
and live in fear and guilt about their lives.
Most things people hide from are not worth the stress, but I guess I'm
the same. Maybe I should be able to
shout from the rooftops, and tell the world I'm not afraid or ashamed of my
life, but in my heart I know many people will stand in judgment of me. At the same time, I know that deep down a lot
of people would applaud my courage to do so, even if their own fears prevented
them from supporting me out loud.
Therein lies the problem. If you
stand outside society's norm, you stand alone, through social judgment and
fear. Maybe I should just include it all
in the category of fear, and leave judgment out of it, considering that all
judgment has its roots in fear to begin with.
Fear;
the prime mover for almost every expression in our lives. What would it be like to be free of fear?
I
know everyone has their problems, and people go through a great deal of pain
and suffering in so many ways. I
personally know people who I would not trade places with for anything on Earth. We all go through the "run of the
mill" issues which plague people; things like marriage breakups, financial
problems, health issues, and everything that goes with living on this planet;
trying to coexist with a whole lot of people, most of whom we have almost
nothing in common, except a pattern of closely similar reactions that maintain
a reasonable level of "sanity" in society. And it is all bound in fear.
It
doesn't sound like much of a way to live, but if you question someone about
their lives and propose the idea that they live their lives in fear, almost all
of them will disagree. Some will even
get angry, and possibly violent, if you dare to start a debate with them on the
issue. The irony is that they won't see,
even then, that their reaction to the idea that their lives are based on fear,
is in itself a fear based reaction. So
why would I tell people about my life?
Why would I stand up, step out of the shadows that society creeps around
in, and put my trust in people to accept my life? Simple.
People cannot be trusted.
Everyone knows this because everyone has a secret. The only variable is the size of the secret,
and mine would attract a massive excess baggage fee if I packed it in a
suitcase and boarded a plane.
I've
had, and have, all those problems I spoke about; divorce, health and finance,
to some degree. I'm not saying my life
is difficult in the main, and in fact I often count myself lucky, and give
thanks for my life, and the many things I enjoy. Unlike some others, at least I have my
health, in that I can walk, talk, eat, see and hear. I also have a brain that works well enough,
which gives me the opportunity to make something of myself, and do something
with my life. I really cannot complain,
so what makes my life so different that my therapist thinks that writing it
down is a good idea?
I
don't think the aspect of my life in question is in anyway unusual, or
different, to a large percentage of the population, so I guess it just comes
down to a question of degree and scope.
When I consider those factors I can't help feeling my life has been a
little unusual, to say the least, and a lot unusual to "say the
most"! No doubt it could be
expressed by a lot of people with words like sick, deviant, gross, fucked-up,
pathetic, abhorrent, disgusting, depraved, and so on. These words are not new to me. I've tarred myself with every one of them
over the years, and nobody else could project the depth of feeling in those
words more strongly to me than I have against myself. That projection in turn evoked feelings of
shame, guilt, unworthiness and self-loathing that cannot be replicated by
imagination. Even if I told you that you
cannot imagine the things I've done, and then gave you a hint, you would not
cover the depth and breadth of my life experience.
I've
written about this in a way that tries to depict how I felt at the time and how
I feel now, and can only use words or terms that make that possible. This book is not for the prudish or
faint-hearted, so if you like your reality painted over and sugar-coated, then
this is not for you, and I suggest you make a nice cup of tea and watch re-runs
of Days of Our Lives instead.
I'm
not complaining about my lot, and in some strange way I have even come to
appreciate it after all this time. All I
want to do now is find some understanding out of it that might possibly enrich
the remainder of my life, and maybe even help others with theirs.
It
all seemed to begin harmlessly enough as a young child in primary school, but
when I was a young teenager, an innocent conversation with my mother raised the
idea in me that this turbulent, obsessive journey had actually begun when I was
just a baby. In time I had no doubt
about this, and it has often led me to wonder - is this some kind of karmic
load I am unloading, or am I building a karmic load that will crush the life
out of my soul? This is the question
that would plague me through the decades to come. Whatever the explanation for it, I was
powerless to do anything about it. All I
could do was hang in, and hang on, as I plunged headlong through a chaotic
world of sensory self-gratification.
Where do I even start, to give anyone an idea of the duality of the life
I have lived for as long as I can remember?
There is that old clichéd crap about starting at the beginning, and they
may be right, but let's just skip ahead for a moment, because honestly, if I'm
going to write this down, then I don't have time for norms or clichés, and
don't give a shit about them. Skipping
ahead will give me a clear reminder of why I'm writing this, and what I'm
writing about. I'll come back and try to
join some dots, so this might become a clearer picture of what it always felt
like to me: a life unlived. Is that too
dramatic; to call it a life unlived? I
lived something, didn't I? We all have
some notion of what life should be like, or what we wish it was like, and in my
mind and in my heart my life never measured up to any of my wishes. It just never felt like living. It always felt like a crap life; a bum deal.
It is what it is.
thank you for hosting and sharing Fifty Shades of Truth by Josef for your readers.
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