Sunday, May 29, 2016

Curious Little Werewolf by Katie Salidas w/ Interview

Title:  Curious Little Werewolf
 Author:  Katie Salidas
Series:  Little Werewolf (Book 2)
Genre: YA Paranormal
Publisher:  Rising Sign Books
Release Date:   May 24 2016
Things would be perfect if supernatural disasters would quit creeping up and ruining Giselle’s happy new life. After finally finding the fur-ever home she’s always wanted a witch blows into town promising to reveal the bloody past of Giselle’s birth, and the circumstances that led the little werewolf to end up in the foster care system to begin with.
Hot on the witch’s trail, another pack of wolves is on the hunt for revenge, and will accept nothing less than her death in retribution for the havoc she’s wrought on them.
Caught in the crossfire, Giselle desires only the truth, and if the witch is who she claims to be, the little werewolf must protect her at any cost. If she’s lying, though, Giselle risks her own kind seeing her as a traitor. Neither her new pack nor her hottie witch boyfriend Damien can offer any help.
Giselle is on her own again. And if she makes the wrong decision, she’ll lose the only link she has to her own past.

“Not running away, are you?” David’s haughty tone mocked her more than his words could have.
“No. I just like to walk in the service alley. Fresh air and all,” she lied, but closed the gate all the same.
“Of course. Lone wolves often cannot handle the formality of pack life. I bet I’m quite the thorn in your side tonight, am I right?” David sounded more congenial now than he’d been all night. The sudden shift piqued her interest.
She turned to face him. “Still learning my place. You know. Child of the system and all of that.”
David nodded with a little “Um-hmm” as he stroked his beardless chin. “What do you know of your history?” he asked after a moment of reflection.
Giselle cursed under her breath. She’d been so close to leaving and avoiding this whole mess of a question. David had not taken his eyes off of her since they’d sat down to dinner, but she’d been warned to play nice, and had held her tongue. Now, being cornered like this with him asking questions she wasn’t comfortable discussing set her teeth on edge.
“Nothing, really.” She shrugged as if none of what she had to say carried any importance. “I was abandoned. Fostered, then adopted.”
“That’s is the short of it, isn’t it?” He snickered, finally a genuine laugh of sorts, given the stick planted firmly up his ass. It lightened the mood between them enough for Giselle to feel comfortable taking a few steps closer to him. David crossed his arms and immediately regained his air of regality. “Where were you first taken in? Did your parents tell you?”
She’d had a set of parents until her first change had scared them half to death. At nine, she’d been sent back into the system, and been passed around Oregon like a hot potato until finally they’d sent her to Vegas. But she wasn’t sure how much of that she wanted to tell David. “I didn’t come from Vegas, if that’s what you’re asking.”
“You’re awfully defensive.”
Understatement of the year, she nearly said, but chose to stick her foot even further in her mouth. “And you’re kind of nosy.” Giselle regretted it almost immediately.
David’s eyes narrowed, his mouth forming a hard line of anger. The silence between them suddenly became deafening; even the crickets and cicada bugs had quieted, leaving only the screaming of her conscience telling her she’d overstepped this time.
Under the scrutiny of his angered glare, part of Giselle felt fear. He claimed to be their regional leader, but she had no reason to respect him. She’d always been  a lone wolf, and that mindset awarded no loyalty to anyone who had not earned it.
“I understand you are unfamiliar with our ways, so I’ll let your disrespect slip this once, but you will have to learn your place.” His eyes bore into hers.
She met his stare full on, her wolf rising to the surface, filling her with all the power she held within. “Respect is earned.”
They stared locked for what felt like an eternity, and then small creases formed in David’s brow. His eyes softened. “Very true, young Alpha. But remember it goes both ways.”
She’d expected him to lash out. Her wolf was at the ready for a fight. She knew she’d have lost against a full grown male – she still had much to learn where fighting was concerned – but her strength of will went a long way. “I’m not comfortable with your line of questioning. My past is not a subject I like to think about, as it has not been pleasant.”
“Now that is an acceptable answer.” David nodded. “My interest in you has to do more with why and how you fell into the system, rather than you personally. It is not common for our kind to last long on our own. We need our packs.”
She’d expected him to lash out. To impose his will as Alpha. But instead, he had responded with a more than fair and even tone, even commending her personal strength. Perhaps she had not given him the chance he deserved. Giselle considered it for a moment before revealing more of her past. “I came from Oregon. All over Oregon. My… condition… obviously caused problems.”
“And your attitude as well, I bet.” David chuckled again, another genuine laugh that showed in his eyes. Much less the creeper now, she understood his scrutinizing gaze to be more a part of his personality as Alpha.
She nodded. “I have been known to go my own way, yes.”
“That’s not safe for a young wolf.”
“So I’ve been told many times.”
“A good alpha knows when to listen to the advice of others. It’s not always about having your own will be done.”
“Still learning that part.”
“For a true alpha, that is probably the hardest lesson of them all. It’s easy to think you can do what you will, consequences be damned, but the reality is, without thought, actions are meaningless.”
“I’ll keep that in mind.”
“No. You won’t. You’re placating me, hoping I’ll end our conversation soon, so you can retreat to the safety of your sisters and recount all that you’ve gleaned from your time with me. Go. It’s fine. They will be your council this evening. And some years down the line, my words will come back to you.”
He’d nailed it. She was planning to do just that.
“Does this mean I’m free to go?” Giselle made a show of bowing to him.
 “I’m not your enemy, despite what you may think. It is in my best interest to ensure the health and good care of all under my domain. Cases like yours are quite special, and as you no doubt guessed, fraught with problems. Humans don’t want to know we exist, and we’d like to keep it that way too. That is why I asked what you know – so I can look into why it happened and help prevent it from happening again.”
It all sounded good, and he was probably well intentioned, but she couldn’t shake the feeling that there was more behind his questions than Alpha duty. She saw it in his eyes. There was a personal level to his line of questions as well. And if she had hit the nail on the head, it was Cassandra, and his desire to find and punish her for what she had done. That, she wouldn’t allow.
“Like I said, I don’t have much I can tell you. It was a blur of foster parents since my first change.”
“If you do somehow remember something, please let me know. I will be here in Vegas until the end of the week.”
Giselle nodded and walked past him back into the house. She’d text Cassandra at the very least and let her know the wolves were on to her.

Amazon UK
Amazon US

Blood Secrets by: Elizabeth Morgan w/ Interview

Title: Blood Secrets  
Series: Blood Series (Book #2)
Genre: Urban Fantasy  
Publisher: Self Published
Release Date: April 22 2016
Edition/Formats It Will Be Available In: eBook & Print
When your life is messed up to begin with, how much worse can it really get?
Heather Ryan's life has never been simple. The latest in a long line of descendants who have made it their mission to hunt down and slay the Ancient Vampire, Marko Pavel, she is also the first born Infected. Up until recently, the biggest downside to living with the Vampyrric Virus was simply that she craved blood, but after receiving a DVD from her deceased Grandmother Sofia and being kidnapped with friend and so called guardian Werewolf, Brendan Daniels, she quickly discovers that she is also the inspiration behind the Vampires’ attempt to create a whole new breed of super monsters—Hybrids.
The truth comes at a cost, but how much does one have to sacrifice to gain success?
Following the breadcrumbs left by her psychic Grandmother, Heather and Brendan find themselves in new territory. Venice is where Heather hopes to find Marie, the second Bloodling of Marko, along with Brendan's three taken Pack members. But an old Peace Pact between the Italian Pack and the Colony means they are left hunting blind, and due to the Italian Alpha's reluctance to believe their story of kidnap and experimentation on Loup-Garous, time is running out. So when help comes from an unlikely source, they have no choice but to accept.
All families have secrets, but blood can't lie.
Caught up in an intricate and complicated scheme spun by the one she trusts the most and the friend of her enemy, Heather soon discovers that she is the pawn in a plan she would never have been able to conceive. But how many of her new allies were in on the game, to begin with?

The walkway appeared desolate... Darkness almost shrouded the passage, but the streetlights of Venice, which stretched across the seemingly black water of the Grand Canal, cast slithers of light through the tall stone arches. A gust of wind ran past me and I shivered, the small tremble causing drops of water to fly from my soaked clothing and stain the grey slabs beneath me.
A howl pierced the night sky, then another and another; a unison of agonizing cries echoing around the maze of buildings that made Central Venice so unique.
To say that Ken doll was going to be pissed that I had took off was an understatement, but I couldn’t lose this chance. I wasn’t going to lose Marie.
Pulling my sword from its sheath, I made my way towards the intricate iron gates which were open, held in place by chains that locked into two hoops that protruded from the grey bricks.
Moving past the rough metal, I peered into the square, outer foyer to find the main double doors to the nest stood wide open in invitation, giving me the perfect view of the long, quiet hallway. I inhaled deeply. The stench of ancient earth polluted the air.
With a steadying breath, I stepped through the doorway and past the two round pillars. Three large iron lanterns hung from the ceiling. A mosaic of stained glass caging the bulbs inside, casting fragments of multi-coloured light across the cream walls. The glow from them curled around the sculptures lining the walls, the shadows of their perfect forms stretched across the blank canvas, disfiguring as I moved past them.
My heart thundered in my chest, so loud that I was pretty damn sure it was drowning out the squelch of water in my boots as I tread lightly and swiftly across the coral and ivory diamond tiles. Droplets of water continued to travel down my skin and beneath my clothes, which already clung to me like a second skin. My curls were a drenched mess. Stray strands had escaped the bun I had shoved my hair in earlier, the wet chunks sticking to my face and neck.
I walked past the two sets of closed double doors which sat across from each other. My focus strayed to the enclosed, dimly lit stairwell on my right.... It was now blocked off by an iron gate similar to the one protecting the front entrance. Another set of doors sat closed to my left, but it was the archway at the end of the hallway that I was drawn to—the only other doors that lay wide open in invitation, and despite the light in the chamber being dim, I knew she was in there, waiting for me.
Oxygen burned my lungs. A stitch had claimed my right side, and the scent of blood from my weeping wounds had my senses peaking. Only this task remains.
Tightening my grip on the hilt of my sword, I moved into the large chamber. No furniture filled the space. All the curtains were drawn. The dark, thick material ran the length of the wall, indicating that the windows stood from ceiling to floor. The walls were painted in panels of patterns so fine, but I couldn’t make out the details. Not that the particulars of the interior of a nest ever really mattered. Although, this was by far the fanciest I had been in. My feet faltered as my gaze landed on him.
He stood like a statue in the centre of the room, his unseeing eyes, like white, misted glass, vacant and icy, focused on me. He could see me. He could see right through me....
The air caught in my lungs as pain seared through my lower back. I lurched, a scream lodged in my throat.
“You should have run while you had the chance.”
His voice sent a chill sweeping across my already frozen flesh.
I spun, sword loose in my grip, swiping at air. A delayed reaction, which only caused pain to ripple up my spine. Heat pulsed at the base of my back, a seeping warmth drawing the material of my damp T-shirt. The scent of my blood hit me once more. Shit.
“Brave of you to come back,” a female chortled.
Wiping the back of my hand across my eyes, I looked round the room. There was nowhere for her to hide but the shadows which claimed the corners. But why was she even hiding?
“What’s the matter, Marie? Are you afraid to face me one-on-one?” I straightened, gritting my teeth at the splintering pain stretching from my head to my toes. “I expected more from a first generation Leech, more from Marko’s Bloodling than peak-a-boo-attack.”
“You flatter yourself,” he said calmly.
I did. There was no reason for her to hide from me. Perhaps she wasn’t. Perhaps, this was just a game of cat and mouse to her, and she wanted to draw it out for as long as possible. Despite the fact she should be running for her wretched immortal life, despite the fact that she was no longer safe in her own territory, she hadn’t run. She was either egotistical or foolish, or maybe just clueless. One way or another, she was going to die before the sun rose.
“Face me, Marie,” I growled, tightening the grip on my sword. “Your son at least had the balls to—”
The air left my lungs as a weight barrelled into me.
In the back of my mind, I registered my sword slipping from my hand. A fact that was confirmed as the sound of metal clattering against marble echoed throughout the room. My head made impact with the wall. Pain exploded at the back of my skull. Stars burst behind my eyelids in a rush of glittering colours. I crumpled to the floor.
“Never speak of my son, puttana disgustosa.”
The words were snarled, but seemed distant due to the pounding in my ears. My eyes snapped open as blood coated my tongue. I rolled onto my side, gagging, wanting so badly to throw up, and yet, I had the urge to gulp, to swallow; to drink, and it was so damn strong.
The word hammered at my temples, causing the pain that already cradled my head to stab sharper.
Pathetic. Perhaps I was pathetic. Perhaps I had been fooling myself all these years for clinging on to humanity when every primal instinct inside me hungered for blood, even my own. I was sick. I was no better than the monsters I killed, but I knew that already... Didn’t I?
“ are not human, Heather. You have been lying to yourself. Thinking you can survive this way, lead a ‘normal life’ when you were born to be so much more...”
His words echoed in my mind, taunting me even though he stood quietly at the centre of the room.
“It is almost laughable, the idea that you thought you could stop us, destroy Marko after all those before you have failed.”
Breathing fast and hard, I twisted onto my knees. My arms trembled as I tried to push myself up.
“Where is he?” I bit the words out.
Marie’s foot connected with my abdomen. A crunch met my ears. Another scream lodged in my throat. Fists clenched, I curled myself into a ball, sucking in sharp breaths through my teeth as I tried to fight past the pain pulsing inside me.
“Where. Is. Marko?” The words were broken and strained as I tried to lift my head to look at her.
Marie grabbed me by my hair. A strangled cry burst from my lips as she dragged me up, sliding me against the wall. Nausea exploded in my stomach. Numbness claimed my cheeks and neck. I kicked helplessly. My legs were deadweight, but pins and needles shot through my calves each time my boots scuffed against the brick. I couldn’t feel my fingertips as I wrapped my hands round her wrist, feebly trying to break her iron grip.
She grabbed me by the throat with her free hand and pinned me high above her head. My hands dropped to the arm now holding me against the cold wall. My eyes widened as she stepped closer, into the soft stream of light coming through the doorway. If I could have breathed, I would have stopped at the sight of her angular, almost amphibian features.
Sweet Jesus, so this is what a first generation Vampire in full form looks like?
Like all transformed Vampires, her head was void of hair, but the bones beneath her face were moving. Her skin looked pasty and brittle as it stretched across the sharp and unnatural angles of her jaw and cheek bones. Her nose had caved into her skull, but her nostrils were large and wide, bat-like. And her eyes—deep crimson, so fucking inhuman, so lifeless I might have shivered if I had the strength to. The skin wriggled across her face... She was still shifting?
How much uglier can she get?
I jolted as something razor-sharp punched into my gut. Blood flooded my mouth, leaking from the corners as I fought to breathe. Tears filled my eyes as I glanced down, noting her free hand had pushed against my abdomen, her fingers embedded deep inside me.
“In the last place you, or any of your pathetic family, would ever think to look for him.”
Reality slowed down, or perhaps it was my heartbeat. Perhaps I was blacking out, but despite the pins and needles that tingled from my fingers straight down to my toes, the numbness that claimed every part of my body, despite the only feelings I had left being pain as she squeezed every breath of air from me, despite that, at this very moment, the only thing I should have been thinking about was that I was about to die, that I had failed my family, my grandmother... Brendan... a bulb pinged in my mind, and I had never seen the light so fucking clearly.
Her tongue slithered towards me, flicking across the blood staining my lips. She shuddered. “You should not have murdered my son.”
A howl echoed throughout the building. Hope fluttered in my struggling heart.
“It is time to leave.”
His voice jolted me, so innocent and calm, completely un-fazed by the scene playing out before him.
I lurched as she pulled her hand from inside me. Through my blurred gaze, I caught sight of the length of her now blood-stained talons as she brought her fingers to my face.
“Die knowing that you have failed, like the rest of your feeble family.”
Bones cracked and her jaw dislocated, her mouth widened, as her fangs extended—
A mountain of black fur barrelled into her.
I landed on the floor. My body screamed in protest, but no sound left me. I couldn’t feel my fingers or toes. Hell, I couldn’t feel my body. Just the pain that resided in every point she had struck.
Dark shadows moved around the room, accompanied by growls and ear-splintering wails.
Another thundering howl rang through the building. I moved my focus to the doorway and found a copper-blond Werewolf standing in the frame. His golden gaze landed on me, widening.
My eyes fluttered, and the next thing I knew, he was beside me.
“I know where he is,” I rasped as Brendan’s flushed, sweat-slicked face filled my vision.
 “Shit. Heather?” Brendan’s hands fell to my stomach.
Searing pain exploded outward, stretching to my head and toes. An inhuman cry gurgled in my throat, the action causing more blood to ooze from my mouth.
“Christ.” Tears threatened to emerge in his emerald gaze. His hands moved to my face. “Why—What?” His jaw was tense. A growl vibrated in his throat. “God damn it, Heather. Why couldn’t you have fucking waited?”
A smile touched my lips. “Because, silly Wolf—” I closed my eyes. My brain felt as though it were churning in my skull, “—I now know where Marko is.”
Darkness took me.


Saturday, May 21, 2016

Aligned (Vol. 1) by Ella Miles w/ Interview

Title: Aligned
Author: Ella Miles
Series: Aligned (Vol 1)
Genre: Contemporary Romance
Publisher: Self Published
Release Date: Nov 8 2015
Edition/Formats: eBook & Print
He’s an arrogant complication.
I don’t care if Landon Davis has sold millions of records. I don’t care that his damn crooked grin makes my panties wet.
I can’t want him.
I should be mourning, but I can’t. I just need him gone. Then I can align the chaos floating in my head.

She has a f*cking boyfriend.
I’ve seen the picture of them together. But Alex Blakely still wants me. And who am I not to oblige when her body is begging for me?
I need one night to own her body.

I should be focused on getting my career out of the gutter. I’ll take one night first. Then I’ll be gone. 

I release her mouth and start to nibble on her neck. She screams as I do. So sensitive to my every touch. I trail my kisses down her neck to the peaks poking out of her dress. She moans again as I massage her breasts. I grin as I pull her lips back into my mouth. “I love screamers.”
She breathes heavily. “I …” I kiss her neck again letting another scream escape her lips. “… am not …” But she grins as she groans loudly when I tease her nipple beneath the thin fabric of her dress.
I see the wicked gleam in her eyes when she gets an idea. She grabs my hard cock beneath my jeans, massaging it roughly. I groan loudly from the unexpected touch. God, I want to take her right here on the beach. She pushes my shirt up needing to feel my skin against hers. She kisses up my abs to my chest as I moan at her warm kisses. I growl into a loud scream when she bites down on my shoulder, tasting me. “Good thing I love screamers too,” she teases back.
I toss her onto her back pressing my own body hard on top of her, ready to retaliate the pain she just caused me. She squeals again as I squeeze her nipple hard. “You don’t play fair,” she moans.
“Playing by the rules is never fun.”

Amazon Kindle
Amazon Print 

Sunday, May 8, 2016

Dusk and Dawn by: Dirk Greyson w/ Guest Post & Giveaway

Title: Dawn and Dusk
Author: Dirk Greyson
Series: Day and Knight (Book 3)
Genre: M/M, Contemporary, Adventure
Publisher: Dreamspinner Press
Release Date: May 6 2016
Edition/Formats: eBook & Print
For Scorpion agents Day and Knight, their relationship is slow to develop, and trust is hard to build. Then Day’s brother, Stephen, goes missing, and Day finds out more about him than he ever dreamed. Day’s first reaction to Stephen’s disappearance is to try to get out to him as fast as possible. 
Knight initially holds him back so they can attempt to find out what they’re walking into. But when Knight sees Day’s desperation, he steps in to help and tries to calm the man he’s growing to care about, even though the trail is cold and clues are scarce. 
When Day witnesses his brother being shot live on television, he loses the last of his control. Despite the lack of answers, Day is more determined than ever to find out what happened. Stephen is all the family he has left. 
Bone-deep fear and adversity threaten to tear Day and Knight apart, but facing unimaginable hardship together might finally cement the bond between them. 

Then Knight’s shoulders slumped slightly and he rolled his eyes. “Aw hell.” Knight pulled out a chair and sat next to him.
“You can go if you’d like,” Day said.
“Fuck no. If I do, you’ll probably find something and be on the next plane to Phoenix. I need to make sure you keep your head on straight.”
Day wasn’t sure if he should be insulted or not, and after tensing, getting ready to take Knight’s head off, he recognized Knight might be worried about him and this was his clumsy way of expressing it. “Fine.”
He got logged in and searched his brother’s name, which showed him information he already knew.
“Try federal databases,” Knight suggested, and Day turned to him. “It’s worth a shot.”
“Why suggest that? Not that I won’t try, but it seems an odd suggestion.”
“It’s as good a place to start as any, and a lot of agencies keep a lot of information. As former NSA, you understand that. So see if there’s anything unusual.”
“I wish you had your computer. Then we could double-team this,” Day said and set up some searches, getting them running. Of course, they came up with nothing he didn’t already know.
“Try Arizona DMV,” Knight said.
“I will,” he retorted testily. “Just give me five minutes.” He was already frazzled, and Knight looking over his shoulder, backseat typing, was more than a little annoying.
“Is that the address you have?” Knight asked when he got his vehicle information, and Day nodded. “Search it on Google Earth. Let’s see what it looks like.”
“Is that really going to help? Or are you getting off track? Fine. He said he was looking to settle down, so he may be using that location for his mail. At one time he was living out of his motorhome, but it’s hard to keep track. I’ve been busy, and it seems he has as well.” Day got a look at the address and was surprised to see a nice, small house, beautifully kept, with an arid garden in the front and what looked like a touch of green, probably artificial grass, for the yard. Day was realizing there was quite a bit about his brother he didn’t know.
“Who owns the house?” Knight asked, and Day figured it was best to let him do the driving. Knight was thinking more clearly than he was.
“It appears to be owned by a Clark Miller,” Day said.
“Go back to the DMV database and see what else you can find at that address.” Knight stepped away as Day complied, pulled up the information, and then stopped dead in his tracks. “What is it?”
“Look,” Day said, pointing. “That’s my brother. It’s a different picture, and his hair is shorter, and Clark has glasses.” Day brought up both images and placed them side by side. “You’d think they were relatives rather than the same person, but it’s definitely him.”
“My God, why would your brother have two different identities?”
Dayton wished to hell he had the answer to that question.

Saturday, May 7, 2016

The Black Sheep Shadow by: Ashley Terrell w/ Interview

Title: The Black Sheep Shadow
Author: Ashley Terrell
Series: Standalone
Genre: Women’s Fiction, Fiction, Self-Help, Religious
Publisher: Ashley Terrell LLC
Release Date: April 19 2016
Edition/Formats: eBook & Print
The city lights blind your amazement. The sound of the traffic challenges you to be alive. Families ask bystanders to make magic and capture the moment with photographs. Newly engaged couples seal their union by kissing under shooting stars while loving by crossing their hearts.

But if your heart was under arrest, wouldn't you want to embrace something to feel like others?

Go insider the world of one courageous sheep as she discovers that her heart was under attack by darkness. As she travels on a spiritual journey to understanding her purpose, overcoming the undertones of low confidence, self-acceptance, and the importance of inspiration, she rose against the odds with forgiveness and strengthening her faith.

(Note from Author)
The Power of Dark Places
The Importance of Your Black Shadow
Greensboro, NC: As the media crowd airwaves with the potent details of current events, correctional surgery and fashion sales, the potential of who we "could" be is being unsympathetically sold to millions.
Men and women are mentally wounded as highly sought public figures are invested in staying relevant in the latest “dramatic” scandals. "It's always harder to see what is in front of you when you are looking everywhere else," states author of The Black Sheep Shadow, Ashley Terrell. "Everyone has an opinion, but when it is time to speak up very few do. Speak and move with a purpose - that's relevance. One act of kindness can open doors to have others to walk through."
In The Black Sheep Shadow, Terrell speaks on the undertones of what we believe holds us to the idea we cannot succeed, grow and become better. Terrell tells her courageous journey of overcoming, forgiveness and finding happiness. Acclaimed to be one of the best novels of 2016, Terrell uses her journey as a platform for others to speak their truths, testimonies and to spread awareness.
Within her inspirational memoir, you discover the motivating logical quotes:
● “Guided lights” that many overlook on their journey to self-acceptance and self-worth
● Definition of “hidden faith”
● “Change has a role call”
● “Everyone has strength - better yet, a TESTIMONY.”

Puzzled Starts and Questionable Endings
February 20, 2013
I slowly place the phone down on the bathroom vanity as I glance at my reflection in the mirror. My skin glowed under the master bathroom lighting. I turn around to look at the luxury we my husband and I worked so hard for. Jacuzzi, stand up showers, double sinks with gold bathroom railings and custom tiling we had two other bathrooms just like it. I close my eyes to take me back to when we had less materialistic distractions. Love kept us motivated and supportive of each other when there was one vehicle, little to eat, less than five dollars, God still gave us an abundance.
Tonight, it seemed more like a bill rather than an investment just as my marriage was an obligation, not a decision based on happiness.
I gathered myself as I come back to reality to assess that I had eventually slid down to spread the heat from my bathroom floors to other parts of my body. As my feet gained life and my fingers began to recognize themselves, I noticed one part of me that was no longer warm my heart.
I crawl into bed, sending text messages to the few close friends I felt were in my corner the word ‘few’ is an understatement. I silenced my phone as I laid on my back and looked at the ceiling. The feeling I possessed was one I never really paid a lot of attention to when it resurfaced. This time, it was as apparent as a ‘bad’ pair of shoes women spot in the mall. It was as obvious as a zit on prom day. It was me coming to a reality I was more lost than what I thought I was.
What did I do that was so wrong? I thought. Did I not support enough? We have this big house, cars and businesses to prove I am. Did I not service my husband enough for him to see I wanted him? I knew that was not the answer because he had begun to stop coming to bed and touching me months ago. I asked, “Did I gain weight?”
Though my weight scale told me I was getting leaner, I knew it was from stress. It is hard going to work in the morning and your husband doesn’t want to get out his recliner to wake you up with a good morning kiss, let alone make sure I had everything to complete my day and get out the house in time. I did not know when the distance began having an excuse. I did know that after our vows and our first night being husband and wife, I didn’t matter much.
My paralyzing state stems from my marriage being over. I knew it had been over. Tonight, I received my confirmation.
Normally, when two people sense that a relationship should not work, two things happen. First, they cut their ties as mature adults. They should not hate each other, they just simply move on. Second, they stay together to a point it hurts to be in the same room because they fear the unknown of who is next to claim their prize possession. We were at this point. I stayed with my husband that did not appreciate, respect, acknowledged or care about me. Countless nights I would roll over and his side of the bed was as cold as the winter air in the morning. The nights I dash home to cook a meal from scratch and he strolls through the door as if he did not get the memo. My closest friends from high school becoming distant memories due to egos and social media insecurities.
When you lose someone, it is always a hardship.
You have an emotional investment to your relationship. For it to dismantle, it is devastating. Somehow, you get back up and you begin again. For someone to lose someone in regards to marriage, I found no words. I just had thoughts.
You should marry your best friend. I married that one person that is so close to me that they complete my sentences. He has seen me in my most vulnerable state. To lose him, it seemed impossible to get back up and begin again.
In the moment, I felt lost. My all in
One is gone. I not only suffered a loss, I was also suffering from loneliness.
To lose my husband, he was my last piece. Without the one motivating and supporting me, I truly felt like I hit rock bottom. Not believing in anything.
I gaze out observing the moon glow over the
Elizabeth River. Tonight, is the last night I remain unknown to myself. I realized the more I stayed with my husband, the more I could not see myself on my own recognizance. My name became unfamiliar. My quiet time seemed more like torture and the people around me were more like extras from a movie. I was no longer aware of my surroundings and what defined me.
I called my husband. I did not tell him I heard what I recalled on my voicemail with the other woman, but it was enough for me to give him the divorce he’d been looking since we said ‘I do’.
In my gut, I knew this man was going to take me from hell and back in our divorce proceedings. I did not want much, I just wanted peace. Hell, I thought that was free.
Unfortunately, it is not that easy at least in my case.
My take on life has many pros and cons. I had noticed many people make it to the other side where happiness is on a
Hollywood sign. I failed miserably at understanding that conclusion.
The next day, I dragged myself into work. Real estate, once being known as a passion, of mine, now somehow became stale. During lunch, I had a lot on my mind and my coworker, Jack, was concerned. As I pushed my food around in my lunch container, he sat across from me in silence. I felt that he knew with a matter of time, my husband was going to show his ugly side. Jack was always that friend that real and to the point. Today, he knew I just wanted someone else’s presence even if it was for a half an hour. I was just tired of feeling alone.
“Jack, how do you find happiness?” I asked with tears falling into my food. Given that Jack was twice my age,
I listen to wisdom he passed along.
He said, “Sometimes, you have to go through a lot of what you may think is bad shit, to get to where you want to be. When you get there, all the shit you been through will make it worth it.”
Oh, Jack was never lying.