Sunday, March 29, 2015

Desiring Death by: C.P. Mandara w/ Guest Post

Title: Desiring Death
Author: C.P. Mandara
Series: Evading Death (Book 1)
Genre: Paranormal/Vampire/Erotica
Publisher: Chimera Books UK
Release Date: Jan 22 2015
Number of Pages: 154
Word Count: 62,000
Edition/Format Available In: eBook
Violetta is an executioner… of vampires. Famed for her fiery beauty and mesmerising personality, she has never failed an assignment.
Monsieur Martinet is no ordinary vampire, though. He is a master at his craft and can control humans with the merest flick of his eyelids. The vampire huntress with the porcelain skin and flaming red hair has killed all of his brethren, without exception. He now seeks the ultimate revenge: her submission in HIS bed.

If he’s allowed to stay alive long enough, that is.

‘You bit me,’ she accused, aghast, and her mouth was pulled back in a grimace of horror.
‘Oh, do keep up,’ he said with a tired sigh. ‘I pretended to bite you. That little morsel of fun happened only inside your head. The real thing is far better, and if you’re a good girl, I might even give you a demonstration.’ There was no accompanying smile after that sentence, and didn’t that say it all?
‘No, you bit me, earlier.’ Her voice was rising and sounded slightly hysterical. ‘My knife,’ she pointed to the blade below her feet, ‘is covered in blood. My shoulder stings. You bit me.’
‘Pumpkin,’ he sighed. ‘You’d know if I bit you. There’d be a post-orgasmic, flashing blue lights, shocked-at-the-brilliance of the world type of aura about you. All you’ve had is a knife plunged into your shoulder. If you’re hankering after a set of puncture wounds, though, I’m sure I can oblige.’ He used his index finger to beckon her forward and displayed a set of prominent fangs for her benefit. ‘It’s jolly good…’
‘Fine.’ She managed to get her trembling hands under control and she used them to smooth her auburn waves carefully around her face. Rearranging the long folds of her dress, which had become decidedly rumpled as she’d worn them dangling around her face for the duration of the spanking, she then took great care to pick up the knife by its unsullied handle and looked at it with displeasure.
‘You be a good girl and give it to your friends, now. You know exactly what will happen if you don’t, princess.’ He waved her back into the ballroom beyond, where a lively orchestral tune had just struck up. Her face turned to the lights streaming through the open doors and he knew she wanted to make a break for the safety of the walls within. She had much to learn. Nowhere would be safe for her anymore. In fact, safety would not be a usable word in her vocabulary from this night forth. ‘After you’ve finished with your death buddies, come back here and we’ll go party at mine. I’ll show you what you’ve been missing all these years.’ He unearthed his fangs again for good measure, and curled his tongue around a sharp point.
He knew she had to bite down the urge to scream at him. It would have been immensely entertaining had he not been coping with third degree burns.
‘You wouldn’t want to give me any hints or tips on how to remove that arrogant head of yours from your body, would you?’ Her voice held a simpering, sweet quality, and her little girl antics made him want to throw her down on the ground and cover her entire body with grass stains.
‘What can I say?’ He shrugged. ‘You’ll probably need to take a step over into the other side of life to find out though, precious. You’ll never kill me as a human.’
‘You’re the most vile and loathsome creature, I’ve ever met, Martinet. Using my fantasy was a low blow. Sexy stranger you may be, but you were hardly a knight-in-shining-armour. Next time you grope around for fantasies inside my head, make sure you do the job properly,’ she barked.
‘You came didn’t you? What more do you want? Rose petals and a fanfare? Tell you what, next time I’ll get out the horse and carriage and we can go for a proper ride…’ Martinet didn’t bother continuing. He was presented with her back as she stomped off and damned if she didn’t have a mighty fine ass to ogle.
‘Your performance was appalling, by the way.’ She did not raise her voice to utter the condemning statement, but she was well aware that she didn’t need to. What was it with women who always needed to get the last word in?
He cupped his hands around his mouth and yelled, ‘Good thing I’ll be getting plenty of practise in later then, isn’t it?’ He had to raise his voice quite significantly to make sure he could be heard by her inferior ears. No reply was forthcoming, but he knew she’d heard him by the stiffening of her neck and the tightening of her fingers.

Saturday, March 28, 2015

Eastern Cowboy by: Andrew Grey w/ Guest post and Giveaway

Title: Eastern Cowboy  
Author: Andrew Grey
Series: NA
Genre:  M/M Contemporary Romance
Publisher: Dreamspinner Press
Release Date: Mar 16 2015
Edition/Formats Available In: eBook & Print
Brighton McKenzie inherited one of the last pieces of farmland in suburban Baltimore. It has been in his family since Maryland was a colony, though it has lain fallow for years. Selling it for development would be easy, but Brighton wants to honor his grandfather's wishes and work it again. Unfortunately, an accident left him relying on a cane, so he’ll need help. Tanner Houghton used to work on a ranch in Montana until a vengeful ex got him fired because of his sexuality. He comes to Maryland at the invitation of his cousin and is thrilled to have a chance to get back to the kind of work he loves.

Brighton is instantly drawn to the intensely handsome and huge Tanner—he’s everything Brighton likes in a man, though he holds back because Tanner is an employee, and because he can’t understand why a man as virile as Tanner would be interested in him. But that isn’t the worst of their problems. They have to face the machinations of Brighton's aunt, Tanner’s ex suddenly wanting him back, and the need to find a way to make the farm financially viable before they lose it.

She turned off the engine and unfastened her seat belt, muttering the entire time. She didn’t stop as she went to the barn or let up as she was opening doors and shooing the “beasts” outside. “They have water and feed. The rest is up to you. I’ll see you later.”
Brighton met her at the barn door and saw her stop, eyes widening. “What is it?” he asked as he followed her stare. “Oh…,” Brighton added as one of the biggest men he’d ever seen walked down the drive in a cowboy hat, tight jeans hugging tree-trunk thighs, and a flannel shirt that look about ready to bust at the seams if the man breathed too deep. “Jesus,” he whispered, watching as the man got closer. Brianne, who had been in an all-fired hurry to get away, suddenly stood stock-still. Not that Brighton could blame her. He blinked twice and stepped out of the barn, taking slow steps as he leaned on his cane. The man got close enough for Brighton to see blond hair poking out from under his hat and eyes as blue as the summer sky.
“Hello,” the man said in a deep resonant voice. “I’m T-tanner.”
Brighton leaned on his cane, breathing hard, his mouth dry. Damn, the man was gorgeous in a rugged, had-a-hard-life kind of way. He pushed those thoughts aside, though, because they weren’t appropriate on so many levels. First thing, this guy could snap him like a twig if he wanted, and second, hell, if he hired this man, then he wasn’t doing anything with an employee. Stop, he silently yelled at himself. He was getting way ahead of things.
“I’m Brighton, and it appears I’ve inherited this place, but as you can probably guess, farm chores aren’t something I can really do.” Brighton began moving toward the house. “How did you get here?”
Tanner pointed toward a motorcycle parked out near the road. Brighton wondered why he’d parked it way out there but didn’t ask. And Tanner didn’t seem too keen on talking.
“I’m Brianne, his sister.” Brianne reached to shake Tanner’s hand. Tanner looked uncomfortable but shook her hand.
“Didn’t you have things to do?” Brighton asked Brianne. She smacked him on the shoulder.
“I’ll see you later,” Brianne said, laughing as she walked to her car. Brighton waved as she got in and then drove away. Then he turned back to Tanner. “Can we go talk on the porch? I need to sit down. My leg hurts because I’ve been standing too long.” He hobbled across the yard and climbed the two steps, then sat down in the rocking chair. There were days when he felt so damned old. Brighton motioned to the other chair, and Tanner perched on the edge of it like he wanted to be ready to run away at any second. “Arthur told me that you worked on a ranch in Montana.”
Tanner nodded and reached up to lift his hat off his head. He placed it in his lap and nodded again. Brighton got no further answer.
“What kind of work did you do?”
“Ranch… stuff.”
Brighton waited but didn’t get any further elaboration. “Did you make repairs?”
Tanner nodded.
“Take care of horses and animals?”
Tanner nodded again without speaking, but his attention was clearly on Brighton.
“I need someone to feed and clean up in the barn and help with repairs around here. My grandfather hadn’t been able to do a lot of things, and it’s hard for me to haul and carry.” It was hard for him to know he was getting his point across. Arthur had said his cousin didn’t talk much, but he hadn’t said he was nearly mute. “Do you understand?”
Tanner opened his mouth, but no sound came out at first. “Yes. I can… help.” Tanner stood up, and without any further word, he walked over toward the barn and disappeared inside. Brighton sat a minute and was about to get up to see what was happening when he saw Tanner hauling a wheelbarrow full of mucked bedding out of the barn. He looked around and must have seen the muck pile. Tanner emptied it and returned to the barn without a word.
Brighton wasn’t quite sure what had happened, but it seemed he’d hired himself some help. He’d have to explain to Tanner what he needed, but from the looks of things Tanner knew what he was doing and was willing to get his hands dirty. Brighton could do some things on his own, but many were beyond his capabilities. One thing he needed to do was to get Internet and his work equipment set up in the house if he was going to be spending his days here. For the first time since speaking with the lawyer, he felt that things just might work out. But then again, things had a habit of going to hell just when he thought he was out of the woods.

Friday, March 27, 2015

Craving Talon by : Zoey Derrick

Title: Craving Talon
Author: Zoey Derrick
Series: 69 Bottles
Genre: Contemporary Romance, Erotic, LGTB, M/M/F, M/F/M, M/F, F/M , M/M
Publisher: Self Published
Release Date:  Feb 17 2015
Edition/Formats Available In: eBook & Print
The story picks up as 69 Bottles continues their tour, riding a surge of success thanks to an impromptu duet between Talon and Addison.
It’s a crazy turn of life for Addison Beltrand, who’s always lived to work and worked to live. Now, everything is shifted upside down—and that’s not a bad thing. Stepping on the 69 Bottles tour bus has banished the heartache of her past, and feels like a rocking new beginning.
Talon Carver and Kyle Black couldn’t agree more. The band’s lead singer and manager are falling hard for the beautiful rock chick, and will do anything to keep her in their bed—and between their bodies—forever.
The trio’s blissful bubble is popped by a danger nobody has anticipated. The band’s security team, always watchful for fan attacks on the members, isn’t prepared for what happens to Addison during this leg of the tour. Will Kyle and Talon be able to help save Addison? Or will her fear force her to pack her bags and return to LA?

Everything hinges on her decision…

Two men. One woman. A rock band. A tour bus. One Wild Ride… 

****Content Warning****
Sexy, naked, bisexual rock stars…and a lot more…
This book contains, but is not limited to the following sexual content – reader discretion is advised - hot sex between two men and one woman. M/M/F, M/F/M, M/F, F/M and M/M sexual content. There are no boundaries when these three crash together, as long as you’re over 18 years of age.

I sit down slowly into a chair, tears streaming down my cheeks. That’s it, that’s the song, the one he wrote last night. Everyone in the room is standing, clapping, whistling and hollering. I watch Talon carefully, his eyes are on me, watching me. His eyes are glassy with emotion. I blow him a kiss. “Play it again,” I say. He smiles and begins playing the song again. Strumming on his guitar. Talon playing is truly something to watch. He’s so confident, fluid and more than skilled at what he does. Though the melody isn’t complicated, his fingers are deft and quick on the strings.
One of the things I’ve always been able to do is memorize songs very quickly. It’s either a curse or a gift, and right now, it’s a gift. I start to sing along with him, more to myself than anything, but I quickly find eyes and heads turning in my direction.
Cami snaps into action, putting Adam and his crew back on their jobs, though I don’t think they stopped. Then she points at me and then at the microphone. I shake my head. She gets up and comes over to me, crouching down before me. “Is this the song?”
“I think so, I’ve never heard it before.” Though I’m talking to her, I can’t take my eyes off of Talon as he finishes the second go round of the song.
“Do it. Let’s drop the recording on the label.” I smile at her and her enthusiasm is infectious and I get up, walking toward Talon.
“Do you have the lyrics?” I ask him. He smiles and hands me his notebook. It’s open to a page with ‘To Be Free’ written in bold, been scribbled on too many times, pencil. The lyrics are written rather nicely, and I’m impressed by his handwriting, but surprised by the fact that the song has it outlined which part I’m supposed to sing. “Sing it with me? I need the whole thing, I need to feel the pace. Then we can give it a go.”
His eyes are happy and impressed. I kick off my heels and adjust the microphone to match my new height and Talon starts up with the melody. 

Saturday, March 21, 2015

F.U.B.A.R. by Joe King w/ Interview

Title: F.U.B.A.R.
Author: Joe King
Series: F.U.B.A.R. (Book 1)
Genre: Action/Comedy/Horror
Publisher: Self Published
Release Date: Dec 24 2014
Editions/Formats Available In: eBook and Print
An aimless, down on his luck man discovers a clandestine government agency tasked with combating supernatural evil, beneath the grounds of a mental health hospital where he works; the agency, the Frontline Unified Battalion of Arcane Resistance (F.U.B.A.R.). Getting recruited for their cause, he is accidentally afflicted with a curse, casting the sensible ego aspect of his personality into a subconscious prison, allowing his psychotic id to take over his body. Now this madman must lead a motley crew of supernatural agents, including a punk rock witch, a werewolf, a medium and the ghost of his best friend, and a female Japanese ninja, against a globe spanning, world devouring evil, whilst dealing with the monsters inside his head.

Bearing witness to the Herald with their own eyes was like a punch to the stomach to each of them; it was as magnificent as it was loathsome in its unrestrained raw power. Its torso rippled with grey fleshed sinewy muscle. Both arms were wiry and far too long for its body, yet capable of incomprehensible strength, both wrists ending in huge bony, three clawed talons. The beast had no legs, but rolled along on some kind of organic, armoured sphere of flesh.
The wind whipped grit and ash into the eyes of Whiskey team as they squinted at the demonic invader amidst the towering columns of smoke.
‘Put us down on top of King’s Court Mall’ Dave ordered, turning back to yell at the pilots.
Clyde double checked his equipment as the Osprey gently began its descent, which was when something re-occurred to him.
‘You realize you’re not wearing pants friend?’ he asked Dave, who stood confidently in his bowling shoes, heart shaped boxers, fingerless gloves, white shirt and black tie, trench coat and fedora.
‘I ain’t got time for pants’ Dave rumbled in a macho growl.
The noise of the aircraft hadn’t gone unnoticed.
‘You got time to duck?’ Clyde asked, eyes terror stricken as a crushed up motorcycle hurtled end over end towards the open door of the Osprey.
The aircraft banked left sharply, avoiding the motorbike by meters. The tilt threw the team into a jumbled heap of limbs against the side of the cargo bay.
‘Uh, get off me dude’ Clyde mumbled through the furry bulk of Rufus’s shoulder.
‘Sorry’ Rufus offered as Clyde spat a gob of fur out of his mouth.
The Osprey righted itself and Lizzy turned back to the open door.
What she saw shouldn’t have surprised her yet her expression was a fair facsimile of a parent long grown tired of disciplining their unruly child, ‘Dave what are you doing? Wait until we land.’
Dave had a bayonet clamped between his teeth and was strapping on a parachute, ‘You guys stick to the plan’ he mumbled around the steel.
The Osprey continued its vertical descent as the team shook their heads in bewilderment, watching Dave brandish his knife around excitedly before throwing himself out the back of the aircraft, his war cry of ‘CHUCK NORRIS!’ ringing in their ears.
‘Lizzy, I know we have all discussed this at great length, but you really dropped the ball when you tried to bring him back from the dead’ Kev said mystified.
‘Tell me about it. The guy’s a friggin’ menace’ Lizzy replied.
‘Seriously, why has he taken his pants off again?’ Kev asked.
Rufus squinted against the rush of air flowing through the open door ‘I was listening to Tom Petty’ Rufus held out his iPod, ‘He said something about liking the song “Free Ballin’.’
‘And you didn’t feel like correcting him?’ Kev asked with a shake of his head.
‘I was curious where he was going with it’ he answered with a flash of white canines.

Friday, March 20, 2015

Never Cross A Warlock by: Marilyn Vix "Cover Reveal"

Title: Never Cross a Warlock 
Author: Marilyn Vix
Series: Beware of Warlocks (3)
Genre: Paranormal Romance
Publisher:  Shadowcat Publishing
Release Date: Mar 25 2015
Edition/Formats Available In: eBook
Can two warlocks be too many?
Yes, if one happens to be your ex-husband trying to kill you for a witch divorce.
The other, a sexy Aussie that makes you forget all the rest.
That’s Catherine Bank’s warlock problem. She will have to choose between the two of them. Will she marry either, or end it all in a spell battle that will bring Las Vegas to its knees. Only time will tell. No one knows the mind of a witch better than herself. Unless, she falls in love.

Marilyn is a paranormal romance novelist. She enjoys the characters that just don't fit in. From witches to time traveling researchers, she is letting her imagination soar to explore new worlds and write all the details down. Marilyn has traveled to Paris, London, Sydney, Las Vegas, Amsterdam and Munich. She loves to include her travels in her settings as much as possible. Best of all is letting her reader enjoy them through the perspective of a character. She currently lives in Northern California with her husband and cat. The cat, of course, is the center of attention.

Places to find Marilyn 
Places to find Never Cross a Warlock 
Barnes and Noble

Other Works by Marilyn Vix
Beware of Warlocks Series (Novelettes)
Never Cross a Warlock (3) 

Friday, March 13, 2015

Cover Reveal for Redeeming Kyle by Zoey Derrick

Claiming Addison by Zoey Derrick w/ Guest Post

Title: Claiming Addison
Author: Zoey Derrick
Series: 69 Bottles (Book 1)
Genre: Contemporary Romance, Erotic, LGTB, M/M/F, M/F/M, M/F, F/M , M/M
Publisher: Self Published
Release Date:  Feb 17 2015
Edition/Formats Available In: eBook & Print
Talon Carver, lead singer of 69 Bottles, has no problem with women--as long as they’re gone by morning. When Addison shakes up his world, it’s a huge problem—compounded by the fact that Addison’s not the only one he wants.
Kyle Black, manager of 69 Bottles, has a secret. He and Addison are closer than she thinks, but telling her could keep her away. When Talon sets his sights on Addison, Kyle uses his secret to push her into Talon’s arms, only to discover she isn’t the only one he needs.
Two men. One dilemma.
Talon is wild, reckless and loves control.
Kyle is calm, collected and loves passion.
The perfect balance…or Addison’s ultimate undoing?
Talon and Kyle push their boundaries and Addison’s, but can they throw their reservations to the wind and claim her together?
Two men.  One woman. A rock band. A tour bus.  One Wild Ride…

 ****Content Warning****
Sexy, naked, bisexual rock stars…and a lot more…

This book contains, but is not limited to the following sexual content – reader discretion is advised - hot sex between two men and one woman. M/M/F, M/F/M, M/F, F/M and M/M sexual content. There are no boundaries when these three crash together, as long as you’re over 18 years of age.

“Addison?” Talon calls my name from the front of the bus. I, on the other hand, am still trying to get over what happened in the room a few minutes ago. I jumped down, the bus stopped and I fell into Talon’s arms and HOLY FUCK! He was hard as a god-damn rock and it was pressing against my hip. But his eyes were alight with lust and my god, his lips twitched with a need to kiss me. Ultimately, the look that was exchanged between Kyle and Talon was beyond anything I have comprehension for. I could spend months analyzing that look, but instead I need to pull up my big girl panties and get to work.
“Be right there,” I shout back.
“Hurry up. There’s people waiting for you.”
What the fuck? “I’m coming.”
Oh fuck, that was the wrong choice of words to use, especially after what just happened.
Thank god there is a mirror in our room. I adjust myself and climb back into my heels, fluff my hair and check my make-up, pinch my cheeks and straighten my skirt. If I didn’t know better, I’d think I was straightening up after a mid-day sexcapade on a tour bus. I roll my eyes at myself. It might as well have been.
“Get your shit together, Addison. You’ve been here for like five hours out of twelve weeks,” I whisper, then steel myself as I head back to the front of the bus.
When I come around the corner it’s just Talon and Kyle with two more members of the men in black patrol. I smile sweetly at them.

Amazon Kindle
Amazon Print

Friday, March 6, 2015

Lust for Life by: Seanpaul Thomas w/Interview

Title: Lust for Life
Author: Seanpaul Thomas
Series: Stand Alone
Genre: Contemporary/Dark/Adult Fiction/British Men's Adventure
Publisher: Paul Thomas Publishing
Release Date: Aug 2014
If you knew you only had a short time left to live on this planet, really live. What would you do with that precious time? 
A dark, sexy, black humorous tale of sex, violence, the male psyche, and an unstoppable whirlwind adventure of finding love in the least likely location. 

Short Synopsis - Set in modern day Edinburgh - A man with terminal brain cancer decides to rebel against society and go out with a bang by living out his dreams and most wild fantasies. But even when he finds love and a new lease of life, it fails to stop his new adventurous ways from spiraling into an unstoppable train wreck of carnage.  

Long Synopsis - Set in modern day Edinburgh, an average everyday working man in his mid-thirties is given the devastating news that he has terminal Brain Cancer. Refusing any kind of help or Chemo, he struggles with overbearing thoughts on becoming a better person and giving into his natural urges, social fears and sexual desires to do and act however the hell he pleases. No longer wishing to obey the rules and regulations of monotonous everyday life. Now our hero yearns to know what it's like to live a life without regret and consequences while his mind is still a healthy functioning one.  The story unfolds with a slow burning tension as our hero eventually turns his back on modern day society and begins using his terminal illness as a license to act out his biggest dreams and fantasies. Good and bad. While also squaring up to a couple of long time buried, but not forgotten, demons from his past. But when he finds love along the way even that comes with a heavy price.

Scottish dialect/slang, Strong Violence and Language in parts and a couple of Graphic Sex Scenes.

'Jesus Christ Liam! What the hell are you wearing?'
Celine covered her mouth. Trying desperately to stop anymore laughter.
I was dressed in a full scale Catholic Priest outfit. Full length black cassock, with matching shirt, collar and a black skull cap. Then fake gold and silver chains with crosses around my neck. I stared at Celine with pure and utter seriousness. Getting fully into my role.
'Please do not take the Lords name in vain with me my child. I bless you and absolve you of all of your sins. Amen.'
I made the sign of the cross in mid air too, just for good measure. Celine continued to laugh. Yet more in disbelief at my transformation than anything else.
'Oh my God! You are crazy Liam. Really freaking crazy.'
I handed Celine a large plastic bag that I'd brought into the car with me.
'Okay my wee saucy sister of mercy! Shut the hell up and put this on.'
Celine looked confused as she took the bag.
'Please tell me this isn't... what I think it is?'
I couldn't for the life of me wipe the smug grin away from my face quick enough when Celine peaked into that bag. She let out the most hysterical shriek of excitement I'd ever heard.
Fifteen minutes later I pulled up outside a large Church close to the Meadows. I thought I'd stop at this particular one since there happened to be quite a few cars parked outside. I guessed a mass was already in process. I switched off the engine and turned to Celine who sat wearing a convincing yet very, very sexy nun's outfit, complete with stockings and suspenders. Celine took a few moments to stare up in awe at the large imposing church building directly in front of us.
'Liam! I don't care how much money you're paying me. There is no way on God's green Earth that I am having sex with you inside that church okay. NO WAY!'
'Jesus Christ Celine! Who said anything about copulating on Holy sacred territory here? I do have some morals you know. We're just here to have some fun and join in with the service that's all. Oh, and have a wee cheeky fun pray about too of course.' I said winking.
We exited the car. I took Celine by the hand and led her through the small graveyard leading up to the church. Some of the graves and tombs looked pretty impressive and more importantly very secluded. An ideal place I imagined for some outdoors sordid tom foolery in the darketh of night.
'I'm not shagging you inside that graveyard either. Do you hear me. No way.' Celine said, like she'd been reading my mind.
'Not even against that gorgeous looking gothic tomb over there?' I teased. 'It would be something to tick off the bucket list though no.'
Celine gave me an evil stare.
'Oh sister have mercy! I'm just teasing.'
We approached the church. Celine paused quite suddenly at the main door before finally entering. She looked nervous. It was a big change from always seeing her so strong minded and self confident.
'I can not believe I'm actually doing this Liam. I need to have my bloody head examined.' She said as her French accent grew strangely stronger.
'Hey. This was your idea sweet cheeks. And WOW by the way! Can I just say you look absolutely stunning in that outfit in this light.'
I could see Celine's eyes glowing with that compliment.
'Thank you. You actually look pretty damn hot and ravishing there yourself Monsieur Minister.'
'Why thank you for the compliment my saucy and sinister looking devil sister.'
'Oh my pleasure father. Mon plasir.'
We entered the Church. It looked well over half full with all kinds of evening worshippers, old and young, sitting inside. This was going to be a lot of fun. I had planned to just sit at the back of the church for a wee while you know. Listening to the sermon and fooling around with Celine. But now I was actually here in the moment. Fuck it. I had another idea. My adrenaline and confidence were sky rocketing. I wanted to attempt something a bit more memorable, risky and adventurous. So I would just wing it from here on in.
I let go of Celine's hand and urged her to take my arm instead. We made our way down the main aisle of the Church towards the altar from where the Irish accented priest conducted his sermon. As we walked towards the front of the church I could feel and see from the corner of my eye more and more worshippers turning their attention upon us. Glancing with both confusion and curiosity at this odd Priest and sexy, curvaceous nun twosome.
The real Priest still hadn't seen us yet and kept reading his boring, monotonous words. His voice sounded so dull and mundane like he just didn't have his heart and soul in it anymore. I'd only been here a few seconds and already I wanted to stick my finger into my eye and swirl it around a bit from listening to the droning bastard. That's the problem with these churches nowadays. Too much text book worshiping and not enough spontaneous and fun improvisation and lively interaction with the audience.
'Oh my God Liam! Everyone in here is looking at us right now.' Whispered Celine. Just in front of us on the left, I noticed a young teen putting down his small handheld games console when another young teen beside him, began nudging him hard to look up at this bizarre couple coming towards them. They couldn't take their eyes off Celine's sexy stockings that's for sure.
I felt Celine grip my arm even tighter.
'I thought we were just going to sit down for a bit at the back Liam?'
'Be strong my child. You are in the arms of the Lord now.' I replied, slipping back into character. When we reached the alter the Irish preacher finally noticed us for the first time. He stopped his preaching's immediately to glare over at us, well more so Celine, in utter disbelief and pure adulterated shock. He fell absolutely speechless. Though I could hear non stop chattering and gassing from almost the entire public congregation behind. I stepped further up onto the altar with Celine. This daring act of movement into forbidden territory finally broke the Priest's stunned silence.
'What in God's name is the meaning of this? How dare you interrupt my service. What the hell is going on here?'
'Forgive me father!' I replied loudly, so the rest of the church could hear me too. 'This will only take a minute.'
Sensing the rage in the real Priest's eyes, we'd be lucky if he'd give us two seconds before bringing down the wrath of God upon us. So I turned as quickly as I could to address the rest of the Church.
'...For this sister standing here before you now...' I pointed blatantly at Celine. 'IS A SINNER.'
Celine just froze, all eyes upon her, trying to smile as politely and as innocently as she could.
'So I bring this foul and polluted beast upon you today, so that you can all join together with me in harmony and matrimony and help suck out the very taste of sin and lust and impure thoughts infesting deep, deep inside this, this...' I let out the most wicked grin. '...This most damn fine and sexy impure creature I have ever laid eyes upon.'
I could see the Priest had finally had enough of this charade. He shouted down to one of the alter boys who sat with a row of five other boys in the front.
'Patrick! PATRICK! Call the police ma boy. Call the bloody police right now. Right this very second.'
The young alter boy didn't know which way to look or what the hell to do. He was clearly enjoying the show and reluctantly pulled out his mobile phone. Shit I had to be quick.
'So yes my fellow sheep. I mean worshippers. Act with your prayers and help me suck, suck it out, right out of her very dirty and polluted soul.' I continued, immersing myself completely with the spirit of this preaching shite lark.
'I'd like to suck something out of her.' Commented one of the young alter boys at the front. An older woman behind, who I assumed to be his mother, clipped him hard around the ear. Some more children behind began giggling too at this new drama unfolding.
The priest remained stood where he was, kind of in a state of half shock and limbo. So with little more time to spare, I pulled Celine hard towards me, pulling her into a very passionate embrace indeed. I heard a loud gasp of anticipation from the surrounding congregation. I looked deep and soulfully into Celine's eyes for another few heartbeats before sticking my tongue deep inside her mouth and making out with her like two highland cows on Valentine’s Day. 'Gangnam style.' All tongues mixed with plenty of affectionate lust. It was a shockingly humorous site I imagined. Nobody knew which way to turn. Most, I could feel, were just holding their breaths, wondering if this was some kind of promotion for a local fringe production show in town. But the fringe festival had been over for months.
When I finished kissing Celine I turned back to the crowd. The younger lot seemed to be smiling, chuckling aloud and enjoying the whole shebang. The older crowd, which seemed to be the overwhelming majority of people inside the church, looked as if I'd broken into each and everyone of their houses and took a big stinking dump right in the middle of their brand new living room rug. They were absolutely mortified. The mother of the two teens had even blatantly covered her sons eyes. While Patrick, the alter boy, still hadn't dialed any numbers on his phone yet.
Celine and I ran hurriedly from the Church hand in hand and laughing like a pair of crazy loons. What a rush. We made our way back through the graveyard and over towards the car. We were chased outside by a small crowd of the older church goers. Headed by the enraged Irish Priest frothing at the mouth. He waved a huge metal chalice in the air like he were conducting a witch-hunt in the dark ages. Halfway through the graveyard the Priest stopped, completely out of breath.
'Aye! Run you pair of Satan's fookin perverts ye. And don't come fookin back ya hear! Ya pair o mental fookin Egits ye.'
Still laughing outrageously, Celine and I dived into her car and drove away as quickly as possible.
Driving back into town we were still laughing and chuckling away uncontrollably.
'Oh my God Liam! I am so wet right now with all this excitement.'
'You're wet! I almost peed my pants when that real Priest came at us with his holy chalice. Nearly took my head clean off, the radge.'
'Not very Christian like was he?'